


Regret

by guardiansofthefantasy



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Bomb, Emotional Hurt, Explosions, Hurt, M/M, Relationship(s), Temporarily Blind Character, injuries, prothesis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-12-02 21:14:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11517606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guardiansofthefantasy/pseuds/guardiansofthefantasy
Summary: Not being able to see what's happening sucks. A lot. No wonder that the choice of words is less friendly for the persons you're with then.Not that it'd be a problem. It's just words, right?Until you realise how much they hurt.Until you start to regret them, but what if there's no chance to say sorry then?





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

This was not supposed to happen.

* * *

 

Not that anything concerning Jim was ever supposed to happen, he could be quite unpredictable. Getting himself in danger because of that occasionally, too. 

But not today.  
Today is a good day, Jim had decided when he got up.  
And he wouldn’t let anything change that.

Because today is special. Just a year ago he’d told Bones how he feels. A year ago, after he almost died. After he’s seen his friend, so destroyed, so exhausted, so tired, looking like shit. But still incredibly handsome.  
And Christ, has he been relieved to see Jim awake.  
That was the very moment Jim decided that he’d tell him. After all those years.

That’s been a year from now. Jim had gotten them all some shore leave on a class M planet. And he would take Bones for a walk. Just to spend some time with him, review the last year. Their first year together.

 

* * *

 He should have known.

Damn, Jim should have known.

* * *

 

He didn’t actually plan much. Not really. Sure, he has a rough idea, but he wants Bones to have a chance to decide a little too.

Because the doctor already complained when Jim told him they’d spend some time together. Alone. In the wilderness.  
Because Bones hates such survival tasks.

_“I’m gonna stay at your side all the time,” Jim promises him, “there’s nothing to worry about. I’ve had multiple survival trips.”_   
_“I still don’t like the idea, Jim. There’s just too much that can go wrong,” Bones answers._   
_“More than on a shuttle flight?,” Jim asks amused, and then he walks away to gather some supplies, leaving Bones grumbling and asking himself how he deserves this._

He didn’t pack a medikit. Of course he didn’t. Why aren’t they part of the survival kit anyways? Jim groans quietly, but it’s not that bad.  
What could go wrong?

 

* * *

 If he knew.

* * *

 

They’re wandering around all day, not really talking. It’s not an uncomfortable silence, for Jim it isn’t. But the landscape is beautiful. “Almost as beautiful as you, Bones.”

“Do you feel like you gotta make up for this shitty trip?,” Bones asks.  
“Is it that shitty?,” Jim huffs. Bones grumbles, but Jim notices his face soften as he takes his hand.  
“Hardly bearable, but it could be because of you too.”  
“Touché.”  
They reach some higher place and look down on the valley, all green nature and a clear river running in soft curves through the small lawn hills.  
Jim grins as he watches Bones looking down, almost a spark in his eyes. It’s a quiet and peaceful place and Jim steps closer into Bones’ personal space, running his fingers over smoothly shaven cheeks.  
Bones turns to him and raises his hands to cup Jims face. “Shouldn’t we wait till some romantic sunset?,” he drawls warmly, sending a shiver down Jims spine.  
“Nah, this is just fine,” Jim smirks and finally kisses him.

They kiss a lot every day, sure they do, but Jim loves every single kiss. Soft, careful, almost hesitant ones, and passionate, hungry kisses, angry, hot and impatient kisses and those full of love and worry.

They settle down for the night. It’s not an incredible beautiful place, but it’s adequate. Not necessarily romantic either, just practical, based on the experience Jim had gained on his countless survival trips during the academy.  
Bones sits close to Jim, both cuddled up together in blankets. During the night, the temperature sinks a little and Bones grumbles in the blanket.  
“Nice walk, my ass, that’s a damn survival trip.”  
“You don’t like it?,” Jim asks quietly, almost sheepishly, and Bones looks at him, sighing deeply.  
“You’re making it a little bearable,” he gives in and presses a soft kiss onto Jims temple.  
The blond smiles. “At least.”

And as Bones closes his eyes and leans against Jim, while the other watches him with a soft smile, everything is well.

_“Bones,” Jims voice is quiet, almost just a whisper. Bones turns around in his bed and looks at his roommate. “Mh?”_   
_“I can’t sleep.” Bones rubs his eyes and orders the lights to five percent. His gaze wanders over Jims face, though he’s too tired to process any of it._   
_“Bones,” Jim repeats, “move over.”_   
_Bones frowns and raises an eyebrow. “What for?”_   
_“Just move a little,” Jim begs and eventually Bones does and Jim slides under the blanket next to him in the small academy bed._   
_“Thanks,” Jim mumbles content. Bones is still frowning as he watches him._   
_He moves a little around, trying to find back to sleep, but there’s not much space to move around._   
_“Dammit Jim,” he grumbles and turns his back to Jim. Their bodies touch due to the limited space and it takes Leonard a while until he falls asleep again. More so, when Jim slides his arm around Leonards hip._

 

* * *

 

The next time they’re wandering out alone is much less fun. They’re on a huge planet, lots of forest everywhere, and they’re there to defuse an old bomb before it wipes out the civilisation a little away. Which is weird, because neither Jim or Bones are experts. But Bones managed to deactivate a torpedo once and he’s the only one on board who did that. They don’t really have weapon specialists, because they don’t really have weapons like that. They don’t need them, after all it’s not a war.  
Jim is just going because he’s curious and clever and understands something of engineering and because he doesn’t want to risk someone else’s life.  
Risking Bones’ life is something different, because they’ll survive and Bones is a doctor.  
“Goddammit Jim, you know I’m not a fan of this.”  
“Aw, come on, it won’t be that bad. It’s an adventure!” Jim grins and is tempted to take his hand enthusiastically, but Bones has buried his hands in the pockets of his jacket.  
“An adventure,” Bones grumbles, “I don’t like your definition of adventure. It’s always dangerous.”

_“Aw, come on Bones, it’s gonna be fun!,” Jim grins and drags Bones into the shuttle._   
_“Fun, my ass, this is insane,” Bones growls and sinks down on the seat next to Jim, who already settled down on the pilot’s seat._   
_“Nothing will happen,” Jim assures him, “you’re with me.”_   
_“That’s what worries me,” Bones mutters and leans back, closing his eyes as they start from the pad. Jesus, how he hates flying._   
_“See it as an adventure,” Jim says enthusiastically and Bones opens his eyes._   
_“For fuck’s sake, Jim, we’re not going up to space!,” he hisses. The dangers are just much bigger there._   
_“But look how beautiful it is!,” Jim protests and points outside, “look, there’s a nebula.”_   
_“Jim, goddammit!” Bones grabs his seat and grits his teeth. “Get us back down before something happens.”_   
_“But Bones! It’s so beautiful! Just like you.” Bones doesn’t have the nerves to deal with that comment in this very situation. All that’s in his mind is just the terrible accidents that could happen and the possible system and human body failures._   
_“Get. Us. Down, Jim. Now,” he presses, eyes forcible closed._   
_He hears Jim laugh quietly and groans annoyed. “I’m serious, you fucking prat, I’ll kill you.”_

“Do you have any idea how to deactivate a _bomb_ , Jim?,” Bones growls and Jim shrugs.  
“We’ll figure something out.”  
“That’s not now it works!,” he replies, a tone of hysteria in his voice.  
“Ah,” Jim grins, “I’m positive about our survival.”  
“You won’t be when we’re back at the ship, that’s a damn promise,” Bones grumbles, “you’ll regret this trip.”

 

* * *

 And oh, how Jim would. If he just knew already back then. If only he had the chance to make things different now.

* * *

 

None of them _really_ knows how to defuse a bomb. They manage to open something that gives them access to some cables, but how on earth are they supposed to know which to cut?

“Kirk to Enterprise, Scotty are you there?”  
“Aye, Capt’n, we’re seein’ it. Just some patience, I’ll figure somethin’ out.”  
Bones grumbles and keeps his eyes on the bomb. It just feels too much like a déjà-vu. Jim watches his boyfriend and pats his shoulder softly.  
“It’ll be fine. That thing’s not gonna activate itself.”  
“You so sure ‘bout that?,” Bones huffs, “cause I’m not and I don’t really want to be ripped into pieces by this damn thing.”  
“Aw, come on, what could possibly happen?”  
“We _die_ ,” Bones replies impatiently.

“Enterprise to Kirk, do you copy?”  
“Kirk here, did you figure out how to deactivate the bomb?,” Jim asks, ignoring the glares Bones sends him.  
“Well, yeah, Capt'n,” Scotty replies, “but it’s complicated. Ye see the different cables? Cut the blue one first, but ye gotta cut the green one and then the yellow one right after in under ten seconds. Ye got that, then it’s the red one, but not the one ye’re seein’ there. It’s under some other shell so ye better be a wee bit careful.”  
“Alright, Scotty, I think we can manage that!,” Jim calls and looks at Bones. “See, doesn’t sound too complicated.”  
“Doesn’t sound too - well you’re probably not the one who’s gotta cut the cables,” Bones growls. Jim rolls his eyes.  
“Bones. It’ll be fine!” He leans in and kisses him softly. “For luck. Now, let’s get that done, we deserve a reward when we’re back on the ship.” He smirks and kneels down. Bones sinks down next to him. “I need a reward when we’re back on the ship,” he mutters and takes out pincers, slowly lowering his hand into the hole.  
“What did they say, which cable first?,” Bones asks, concentrating now.  
“The blue one,” Jim answers. Bones nods and Jim watches how he carefully takes the cable and bites his tongue in concentration. It’s a fantastic picture. Jim loves it.  
“Sure it’s this one?”  
“Yes.” Jim doesn’t hesitate, because it clearly is. Bones nods slowly and cuts the cable.

Beep.  
Beep.

“Jim?,” Bones asks, voice a little higher than usually.

The timer on the bomb starts.  
10 seconds left.

“Jim?,” Bones asks again, but Jim just stares at him. “ _Jim!_ ”

9 seconds.

“Cut the next one.”

8 seconds.

“ _Which_ one?!,” Bones hisses, he’s pretty much panicking and Jim sees that.  
“I don’t know, any!” He watches Bones slowly moving the pincers. “No, not that one!”

7 seconds.

“Just tell me which!”

6 seconds.

“Take the yellow one,” Jim answers hastily.

5 seconds.

He notices Bones sweating and bites his lip, not less nervous.  
“You should step away a bit, just in case,” Bones tells him.

4 seconds.

“I’m not doing that.”  
“Dammit, Jim, it’s an order! If you love me only half as much as I love you, then you’re stepping away now!,” Bones hisses.

3 seconds.

Jim bites his lip, but walks away.

2 seconds.

_“You need to cut the twenty-third wire down. Whatever you do, do not touch anything else. Do you understand?,” Carol Marcus’ calm voice tells him clearly._   
_“Alright,” Bones mumbles, “thought never crossed my mind.”_   
_“Doctor McCoy, wait for my word,” Carol says and Bones thinks to imagine that he hears a little bit of nervousness in her voice. “I’m rebooting detonation processor. Are you ready?”_   
_Bones gives her some utterly sarcastic answer, but her “good luck” does make him worry a little._   
_And it should have, because just a millisecond later, there’s an unbearable pain in his arm and he can’t help but let out a frustrated and pained scream._   
_He hears Sulu and the others speaking, but he’s too confused to understand them._   
_“What the hell happened? I can’t get my arm off!” And it hurts. Goddammit._   
_He hears Jim asking about beaming them back, hears Spock explaining that it’s not possible, not for Bones._   
_“Doctor Marcus, can you disarm it?,” he hears Jims voice, forcibly calm because he’s on duty, but clearly stiff and Bones spots the fear in it._   
_“I’m trying,” Carol replies, “I’m trying.”_   
_It’s not calming Bones a lot._   
_“Jim, get her the hell outta here,” Bones says, because if they couldn’t beam him back, they could at least save her._   
_“No!,” Carol protests, “if you beam me back, he dies!”_   
_That wasn’t a pretty nice outlook, but if she stayed, she’d die too. Unless she’d be able to disarm the torpedo, but how likely was it?_   
_“Just let me do it!,” Carol says and Bones eyes rest on the countdown._   
_“Ten,”_   
_He starts reading out the numbers,_   
_“Nine,”_   
_Quickly decreasing,_   
_“Eight,”_   
_Come on, Carol, he thinks, come on,_   
_“Seven,”_   
_You can do that,_   
_“Six,”_   
_Six seconds left, Carol, come on,_   
_“Five,”_   
_Jim, beam her out, he thinks,_   
_“Four,”_   
_Beam her out Jim, now,_   
_“Three – “_   
_“Shit!,” Carol exclaims and the next thing Bones remembers is falling backwards as his arm is suddenly set free._   
_“Torpedo successfully disarmed,” he hears Spock saying, followed by Jims relieved voice. “Doctor McCoy, you alright?”_

Jim watches anxiously. He just hopes Bones would be able to disarm it. He hopes he’d be lucky. It couldn’t be so difficult, could it?  
Please, he begs in his head, please.  
He chews on his lip, kneads his sweating fingers.  
Oh God, please let him manage that, he thinks, closing his eyes.

 

* * *

 How he wished he hadn’t done that. How he wished he had watched Bones, taking everything of him in. How he wished he hadn’t stepped away, hadn’t left his boyfriend alone there with a ticking bomb.

* * *

 

The sudden shock wave pushes him off his feet. 

The only thing he can hear are dull noises, then there’s a terrible high pitched squeaking in his ears. He presses his hands on his ears, hoping it would go away. His trousers are ripped from the harsh landing and he surely scratched his hands too. He feels splinters and remnants burying in his hands and eyes and little stones crashing down on the ground around him.  
The fragment that’s stuck in his eye burns. He feels his eyes tearing and tries to open them carefully.  
“Fuck,” he rasps, coughing as the dust reaches his lungs.

But all this could only mean one thing.

The bomb exploded.

Bones.

“ _Bones!_ ”


	2. Chapter 2

“Fuck, Bones,” Jim curses and shakily gets up, trying to find balance. His sight is blurry due to the tears and he feels the eye with the splinter swilling.  
That’s just great.  
“Bones! Where are you goddammit? Answer me!”  
Jim stumbles some steps to where he remembers the bomb.  
“Bones! Please tell me you’re alive!,” Jim begs, “Leonard?”  
He shakes his head angrily, trying to get rid of the squeaking and getting back normal hearing. Where’s his friend? Where is he?  
He can’t be dead.  
God, please, he can’t be dead, Jim thinks and stumbles forward.

“Careful,” someone says and Jim flinches, though he’s still not hearing like before.  
“Bones?”  
“Yeah, it’s me. C'mere, we need to get you to medbay.” Jim feels Bones grabbing his left arm and steading him. “Jesus, Jim,” he coughs.  
“Are you okay?”  
“It’s just the dust. Can you see?”  
Jim tries to look at Bones, searches him, following the voice.  
“I – I don’t think – ”  
“It’s alright, c'mere, we’re getting you to medbay.”  
Jim holds tightly onto Bones’ arm. It’s okay. He’s safe, he tells himself.  
He can’t see, but Bones can fix it.  
It’s fine.

“Careful there, darlin’,” Bones mumbles and pulls Jim back a bit. “We just gotta find the communicator…”  
Jim feels how Bones loosens his grip and leans forward, inspecting the ground for the comm. He bites his lip and tries to discern something through his blurred sight.  
He kneels down and starts to palpate the ground with his hands. Maybe he could find the comm.  
“Jim, you’re gonna scratch your hands,” Bones warns.  
“Just let me help,” Jim replies tense.  
Bones doesn’t reply to that, but he doesn’t hinder Jim either.

It’s weird. An uncomfortable silence. Bones doesn’t talk with Jim, but he can hear the doctor coughing in the dust a little away.  
A sharp pain runs through Jims palm, it’s so sudden that he doesn’t even get the chance to make a noise. He gasps surprised. But Bones warned him, so he doesn’t complain and just tries to figure out what cut him. Probably a splinter. He represses a frustrated groan and keeps crawling over the ground.

“I found it,” he hears Bones’ voice a little away and quickly gets up, though shakily so. He tries to find out where his friend is, but he doesn’t say anything more.  
His view is still blurry and Jim grits his teeth.  
“Bones? Where are you?,” he asks, trying to ban the moody tone from his voice.  
“Over here, darlin’,” he hears him answers and carefully makes some steps in the direction Bones’ voice comes from. “Here, Jim.” Bones’ talks more quietly now, but he definitely seems closer and Jim feels him taking his arm in the next moment again. “Here, hold this.”  
Jim takes the communicator, glad to have something to do. He feels the comm, trying to activate it. He’s surprised that it didn’t get destroyed in the explosion.  
“Lemme see your hand,” Bones mutters and carefully inspects the small scratch, “ah, looks stinging.”  
Jim doesn’t answer. After all Bones warned him.  
“Jim? Does it hurt?” The blond shakes his head, pulling his hand back and focuses on working on the comm.  
He feels how Bones gently runs his fingers over Jims face, tracing the swollen part and he hears him muttering, but doesn’t listen.

He has to activate this comm and get the others down here.  
“Kirk to Enterprise, do you copy?”  
No answer. He tries again.  
“Kirk to Enterprise, please respond. Do you copy? Kirk to Enterprise.”  
Not even a sough. Nothing. Just heavy silence.  
Bones is still running his fingers over Jims face.  
“Just stop it!,” Jim hisses and he _feels_ Bones’ startled look on himself. He pulls his hand away and Jim bites his lip. “Doesn’t work,” he says, more casually now.  
“Yeah, I…noticed,” Bones answers slowly and Jim thinks he can still hear the surprise and disbelief in his voice, but it’s gone as Bones continues. “It’s probably the dust and whatever else has been released through the bomb blocking the signal. We should go somewhere else, a little away and try again.”  
“But I can’t _see_ , Bones. I may not ever see again,” Jim answers tetchy.  
“I know, I’ll see what I can do in medbay, Jim,” Bones says, “come, we’re going this way.”

Jim feels terrible. Bones’ hand at his arm only annoys him, because he’s a Captain, he should be able to walk himself and find his way alone. He shouldn’t have to need support. He doesn’t talk to Bones, but he knows the other’s watching him concerned and thinking about a cure for his eyes.  
“Careful there, darlin’,” Bones says and Jim bites his lip to repress an annoyed groan. He almost stumbles and Bones’ grip tightens. “It’s okay, this way.”  
It’s not okay.  
Jim feels useless and he can’t see and it’s all just slowly driving him mad. Bones keeps telling him that it’s fine and that they’ll somehow fix it and to be careful and it’s freaking Jim out even more.  
He can’t take that right now.  
He’s slowly getting _blind_ and it’s _not_ gonna be okay. Not at all.

“Can you please stop touching it all the time?,” he snaps after Bones started tracing the swollen skin yet another time and he hears the quiet swallow. Hell, he can even _see_ Bones eyes in front of him.  
“I’m sorry,” Bones mutters, in a way Jim hadn’t really hear him talking yet.  
“I don’t want to hear you’re sorry, I just want to see again!,” Jim hisses, continuing to walk, though slowly and insecure so. He wishes he wouldn’t, but his legs won’t obey, they keep being careful and shakily.

Bones doesn’t follow him for a while and Jim wonders if he plans on staying there, but then he hears the quick steps and in the next moment, Bones’ hand is on Jims arm again and guiding him. He doesn’t say anything, but Jim can hear his breath, seeming loud in his ears, a little faster than Jim’s used to hear it.  
Must be because of all the dust that stayed in their lungs. Jim knows he’s breathing a little different than usually, too.

They’re walking for a very long time. It’s tiring, oh it’s so damn tiring.  
Jim can’t see anything, Bones doesn’t talk and the surroundings are unknown, the ground unsteady. Jim hates it. He just wants to be back on the ship and be able to see again. How much he’d give for all this to never have happened in the first place. Could it go even more wrong?

 

* * *

 Yes, it could. And how it could. It could get so much worse. If Jim had known, he wouldn’t have provoked their luck.

* * *

 

Eventually Jim loses his feeling for time. It’s all the same anyways, nothing happens. The only words Bones says to him are instructions where to go and to be careful. Jim snaps at him as an answer most of the time, and he hears Bones biting his lip and gritting his teeth every time he does. 

But Jim can’t stop. He’s in a bad mood and his left arm hurts from Bones’ right arm holding it.  
He just wants to go home.  
He does feel a little weird as he thinks that, because he always thought to be at home when he’s with Bones.  
Maybe it’s their silence that makes it all feel odd, maybe it’s the fact that Jim can’t see Bones and doesn’t know how he feels.

“Careful there now, come a little more over to me,” Bones guides and gently tugs at Jims arm.  
“Yes, I’m trying, don’t put me under stress!,” Jim shoots back tetchy. He hears Bones taking a sharp breath and quickly steps over to him.  
“I’m just trying to help you, Jim,” Bones says and there’s some sort of hurt and coldness in his voice that stings in Jim’s heart, but he is too distracted by his bad mood to be affected by it.  
“Do it more patiently then,” he hisses.  
Bones doesn’t answer anymore and they continue their way in even heavier silence.

“Still no signal,” Bones sighs and Jim hears how he kicks some little stones away, obviously frustrated. “Alright, darlin’ we gotta find a place for the night.”  
Jim nods, he feels the temperature drop. It’s probably getting darker around them too.  
“C'mere then,” Bones mutters and gently guides Jim forward.  
Jim doesn’t know how much longer they walk, but eventually Bones gives up and they just settle down somewhere.  
It’s even colder on the ground and it’s uncomfortable and hard. Jim doesn’t like it, but he doesn’t have much of a choice, anyways.  
Bones hands him a blanket and Jim is quick to wrap it around himself. He hears Bones sinking down next to him, shivering slightly.  
“Bones?,” Jim asks after a long time of hesitation and drowning in self pity.  
“Mh?” The response was quiet, drained.  
“Are you freezing?”  
“Nah, ‘m fine.” Jim hates it that he can’t see. He hates that he doesn’t know where exactly Bones is. Carefully, he reaches out in the direction Bones’ voice came from. He flinches as he touches Bones’ hand and the skin feels like ice.  
“Bones?,” he mutters, “sure you’re not freezing?” Jim slowly shifts closer, taking Bones’ hand as a guide where to go. “Hey,” he mumbles and starts putting the blanket around him. He feels Bones tense a little. “Everything okay?”  
“Yeah,” Bones replies tired and Jim feels him sliding his right arm around him. He smiles slightly. “Sleep now, darlin’.”

It’s easier said than done, definitely. It’s cold and uncomfortable and Bones icy fingers worry Jim. And he can’t see, which is the absolute worst thing.  
Bones’ quiet voice wakes him after a while. “Get up, Jim, we gotta go.”  
“I can’t, Bones. It doesn’t matter anyways. It doesn’t make any difference.”  
“Jim, that’s not you. Get up, now. We need to move on.”  
Jim scoffs, “oh really? Move on where to? I don’t know where we’re going, I don’t even know where we are, because I can’t see a fucking thing!,” Jim yells and he hears Bones taking a sharp breath.  
“ _Oh really_?! Neither do I, because we’re on a goddamn abandoned planet you got us on in the first place!”  
Jim is too angry to be surprised by the harsh words, so he just snaps back, “Now it’s my fault again? Good to know! But I’ll tell you, if you haven’t been so incompetent with that bomb, we wouldn’t be here now and I wouldn’t have some infected splinter in my eye!”  
This time, Bones’ voice is just hollow and resigned. “Jim, I got it. You blame me. That’s fine, just get up now and gimme a chance to somehow fix that. Fix you.” Jim bites his lip.  
“Please,” it’s just a whisper, but Jim holds his breath for some seconds anyways. It sounds so desperate and vulnerable.  
He slowly gets up on his feet and seeks for Bones’ support.

 

* * *

 If he knew how much Bones blamed himself too, he probably would have chosen his words more careful. He probably wouldn’t have been snapping back so fast. He should have recognised his mistakes, should have seen the signs.

* * *

 

“Okay, we’ll just continue walking out of the dust, alright? I don’t know how far we have to go, but I know we’ll be able to,” Bones says and he’s just constantly saying such things in his calm voice, though he sounds so scared and anxious. And that really makes Jim worry too. He tries to listen, tries to understand, tries to _believe_ Bones, but it’s so difficult. 

How is he supposed to, when all that’s in his mind is the fear never to be able to see again, losing his job, his career, everything that’s important to him.  
He doesn’t know how much of a difference being blind to people does, but abruptly it’s just torture. And the fear that he’ll lose everything doesn’t help much.

“Fuck,” Bones curses and Jim feels the hand loosening its grip. He immediately grabs Bones’ hand.  
“Don’t let me go,” he begs.  
“Don’t plan to, kid,” Bones mutters and Jim frowns. When was the last time Bones’ had called him _kid_? It’s surely been an eternity ago, back on the academy or their first year on the Enterprise.  
“Is everything okay?,” Jim asks, trying to ban the fear from his voice.  
“Yeah, don’t worry… ah, fuck.”  
“Bones, that doesn’t help me calming down!,” Jim hisses, voice filled with anxiety and concern.  
“Yeah, sorry,” Bones mumbles and Jim’s frown deepens.  
“Bones, talk to me, please! What’s it? What’s the problem?” He touches for Bones, trying to figure something out that way. “Bones?”

And then suddenly, without warning, the doctor just falls to the ground and Jim can’t hold back a surprised and worried squeak.

“Bones! What are you doing, what – why?” Jim carefully kneels down too, trying not to accidentally trip on Bones. “Can you hear me? Where’s that damn comm…”  
He starts searching for it, hands wandering over Bones’ body, though that’s not even half as much fun with him not being able to see anything and his boyfriend not responding.  
If Jim just knew what happened, what’s still happening.

“Jim – ” Bones’ sudden cough catches Jim off guard and he runs his hands up to Bones’ face.  
“I’m here. Don’t worry, it’s fine. It’s me. Hey,” he says quietly, voice shaking. Bones moves his hand against Jim’s leg and the blond immediately takes it, stroking over the cold skin. “Bones, what – are you…dying? You’re not dying, are you?”  
“Yeah…”  
“Yeah, what? Are you dying?” Jim laughs hysterically, “honestly? Now? But Bones, you can’t do that, you can’t, not now. Jesus, Bones.”

It’s weird. It’s so damn weird. Jim can’t see, but he laughs quietly, hysterically, not wanting to believe that Bones maybe dies right here.  
“Jim,” Bones spits out, “comm. Med…bay.” Jim nods and starts searching for it again. “Yeah, sure, the comm… are you really – are you dying? You can’t just die, Bones!”  
His maniac laughing slowly turns into exhaustion and crying. “Bones, you can’t just - can’t leave me, Bones – ”

“Jim, I – I love you…,” Bones breathes and Jim nods, biting his lip.  
“I know. I know, Bones, I know. I don’t think I’d even been more – Bones, please don’t leave,” Jim whispers, sobbing, though he tries his best to keep it back and stay strong. Somehow. Though he doesn’t know how. But he’s so scared. He doesn’t want to lose him, he can’t.  
Bones is too important to him. He can’t lose him.  
How do you stay strong when your boyfriend is dying right in front of you and you can’t do anything about it? What do you do? What do you say?  
“Hey - it’s okay…”  
“How high is your chance?,” Jim asks quietly, “Bones? You’ll survive, right?”  
Because he has to. Jim needs him to. “Bones, please,” Jim whispers, hands shaking.  
“Jim… I’m sorry… it’s my fault – that’s my fault…” He raises his hand, brushing Jims face, then the hand falls back down.  
“No, Bones, no! Listen, it’s – it’s not, Bones – ”  
Bones weakly hushes him quiet.

And then just silence for a couple of minutes. Or is it hours? Jim doesn’t know.


	3. Chapter 3

His heart aches. This can’t be true. This can’t be happening.  
Oh, please no. Don’t let this be true.  
“Bones,” he sobs choked, “stay with me, Bones. I need you – please.”  
He squeezes Bones’ hand, too cold for his likeness, but the doctor doesn’t respond.  
“Bones, I – ,” Jim starts again, biting his lip, “please, don’t leave me, don’t leave me – Bones…”  
He remembers all the things he said to him in the last hours, suddenly, they’re all circling around in his head.  
“I’m sorry – Bones, I’m – ” Jim is crying too much to be able to talk. This just can’t be happening, please, he begs, wiping his wet and swollen eyes.

“Ent…ise to…rk, do you….py? En…prise to Kir…copy?”  
Jim’s hands are fast to reach for the source of the noise.  
“Kirk here – beam us up, immediately – Bones is – ” He stops and bites his lip, hand reaching for Bones.  
“Bones,” he whispers, “stay with me.” Of course the other doesn’t answer. Like before. Jim just hopes he isn’t dead.  
“Locking on your signal now, don’t move.” Not that Jim had planned to. He couldn’t see where he is anyways and Bones – he doesn’t want to think about it. He can’t. Bones can’t be dead. Please, not yet.

 _“Bones,” Jim grins, throwing himself on Bones’ bed._  
“Dammit, man,” Bones grumbles and quickly shoves his stuff a little aside before Jim could roll onto them.  
“You won’t guess what happened,” Jim continues beaming. Bones groans.  
“You passed the Kobyashi?”  
“No,” Jim sighs, “but one day I’ll do that too.”  
Bones shakes his head slightly. Jim never gives up, does he? Always enthusiastic and eager to try until he succeeds. “So, what is it then?”  
“I passed the xenobiology tests,” Jim tells him, eyes sparkling with happiness, “thanks to you, Bones.”  
“Congratulations!,” Bones replies amused, cracking him a smile. He’s not smiling a lot, usually. But Jim grew used to that, just as Bones had to bear his sunny and reckless personality. And they get along together perfectly. One bickering a lot, the other flirting a lot, but none takes it really personally.  
Sure, Jim is annoying Bones a lot and Bones, usually stressed out and grumpy, had snapped at him now and then, but really, they get along great.

 

* * *

 Jim would give so much to know what’s happening. He’d give so much to be able to travel back in time and change the things. Save Bones. Oh, he’d give so much for that. He’d give everything.

* * *

 

Medbay is freaking Jim out. The noises are too loud and confusing, the people speak in a language Jim’s sure he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t know where Bones is.

“Captain Kirk, would you accompany me over here, please?,” Nurse Chapel asks and she guides him to a biobed.  
“Bones – ,” Jim starts and she squeezes his shoulder softly.  
“He’s getting operated now. Let me take a look at your eyes, alright?”  
Jim nods and lets her.  
He tries to open his eyes when she asks him to and answers all her questions the best he can, trying not to think about Bones too much.

“Christine?”  
“Yes?”  
“You’ll tell me when there’s news, right?,” Jim says, biting his lip.  
“Of course, Jim. Now, lie down and let the regenerator do its work,” she answers and Jim can hear her smiling that very calming and kind smile of hers.

Lying in bed without being allowed to move and just waiting for something to happen is terrible. He doesn’t know how Bones is. Hell, he doesn’t even know what _happened_. He didn’t ask and he’s not sure if he even wants to know, but it’s Bones. He needs to know if he survives. Because he can’t die. He just can’t.

“He’s stable, Jim,” Christine tells him, “we weren’t able to save his arm, but he’ll wake up someday soon.”  
“Will he wake up?,” Jim asks shakily, not sure if he wants the answer.  
“Yes. We cannot say when, yet, but we’re positive he will,” Christine replies and Jim nods. “He’s still in an artificial coma to help his body recover and stabilise.”  
Jim closes his eyes, the swelling started going back after Christine gave him some hypos against it. “Okay,” he mutters.

Jim remembers exactly what he said to Bones. What he blamed him for. It’s lying heavy on his chest, aching his heart.  
He also remembers how Bones hasn’t really been snapping back at him. How Bones agreed that it was his fault. How Bones had taken the blame because he didn’t want to fight now.  
And how Jim had been a total asshole himself, while his boyfriend just wanted to end their fighting.  
Jim feels his eyes filling with tears and blinks a few times quick.  
“Don’t. It’s good if you cry, maybe it gets the splinter out,” Christine’s voice rings quietly next to him.  
“What if not?”  
“Then I’ll pull it out. Don’t worry, you won’t feel a thing from that.” Jim hears her smiling again and nods.

Just some hours later Christine tells him that she’s going to remove the splinter and giving him some anaesthetic for that process. Jim is fine with that, he honestly doesn’t care too much about it.  
Sure, he wants to see again.  
Wants to see Bones again. Alive. Awake.  
All the things he said are tearing him down.  
Jim doesn’t understand how he could have been such an idiot. Such an asshole. How he could hurt Bones in such a situation.  
They were stuck on a goddamn planet and all he did was just snapping at him and blaming him for their situation.

But Bones would forgive Jim. Bones always did. He’d forgive him, though Jim doesn’t deserve it.

 

* * *

 Not this time. Jim thought so, but not this time.

* * *

 

_“You did what?,” Bones asks in disbelief, “are you fucking kidding me?!” He couldn’t believe this. Who does Jim think he was? How could he even think he was allowed to do something like that?_

_“I just – I’m sorry, Bones. I didn’t want to lose you.”_  
_“That’s no excuse, Jim! You can’t just decide something like that over my head!”_  
_“I know, but I thought – ”_  
_“I don’t wanna know what you thought! How fucking dare you?” Bones grabs his bag and Jim reaches out for his arm, holding onto Bones’ red uniform._  
_“Bones – ,” he starts again, desperation audible in his voice, “please. I just didn’t want you to move out.”_  
_Bones scoffs. “Oh, really? What a clever way to tell me.” He rips his arm from Jims grip and grits his teeth. “You could’ve said something, you goddamn idiot! That’s no reason to hack into the damn security system.”_  
_“I – ” Jim looks at Bones and Bones tightens his grip around the bag. “Please, don’t be mad.”_  
_“But I am! And if you think that keeps me from moving out, you’re fucking wrong.” Bones turns around and he hears Jim swallow, but that doesn’t make him stop. “I’ll see you in class often enough,” he calls before he closes the door behind himself._

_But Bones couldn’t watch Jim being all down and messed up after that for very long._  
_“Jim,” he groans and hands him a coffee one morning, “listen, that’s been a very stupid idea and I’m really mad at you for doing that.”_  
_Jim nods and takes a careful sip. “I know. I’m sorry, Bones. I should’ve talked to you. I shouldn’t have – ”_  
_“It’s okay,” Bones cuts him off, “I forgive you. Just – don’t do it again. Really, next time just talk to me, you idiot.”_  
_Jim nods. “Yeah… I will. Thanks for the coffee, by the way.”_  
_Bones laughs. “No problem, kid.”_

“Please open your eyes,” Christine says and Jim sighs, but does so.  
He’s surprised when he gets greeted by blinding white light and immediately closes them again, groaning quietly.  
“You see again?”  
“Yeah, uh…it’s bright,” Jim replies. Christine chuckles and dims the lights a bit, “better now?”  
Jim nods as he opens his eyes and is able to look around a little again. He watches Christine attentively while she checks his eyes, because it’s just so good to see another human being.  
“Where’s Bones?”  
“Are you sure you wanna visit him?”  
“If I’m allowed to, yes.”  
Christine nods. “You are. Please follow me then.”

Jim is a little bit nervous. He doesn’t know what expects him there.  
“Here we are,” Christine says quietly and opens the door, “do you wish to be alone with him?”  
Jim nods. “Thank you,” he mutters and steps into the room, Christine closing the door behind him.

And there he lies. His Bones. Jim walks over to the bed and stares at Bones for a couple of minutes before he sits down on a chair next to the bed.  
And damn, even though he’s pale and neither awake nor really asleep, he still looks gorgeous.  
“Hey,” Jim whispers and hesitantly reaches out for Bones’ hand. He bites his lip as his eyes wander down Bones’ other arm – or what has been his arm once. He swallows hard and looks back at his face. “I’m so sorry.”

_“Jim, uhm… I’m not sure if you can hear me…it doesn’t really matter anyways.” Bones sighs and rubs his forehead, looking at Jim, lying motionless on the white bed.  
“Just…wake up, alright? You hear me? You gotta wake up.” He sighs again. “I’m here for you, alright? It’s me, Bones. I’m taking care of you.”_

“Bones, I’m so sorry,” Jim whispers again. “I’m so damn sorry. That’s all my fault, I – ”

_“You know, I’m probably gonna lose my license,” Bones tells him another day, “not that it’d matter. Not as long as you’re alive then…” He bites his lip and carefully squeezes Jims shoulder. “I need you, Jim. Please wake up.”_

Jim sits at Bones bed for a long time. “You have to wake up, please. I can’t live without you.”

_“I never thought I’d ever say this,” Bones mumbles, a bit amused disbelief in his voice, “but I don’t think I could do this without you. Hell, I’m working in space because of you, you goddamn idiot. Just wake up.” He can’t stop the tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. “You hear me, Jim? Just wake up. Please.”_

“Bones – ,” Jim starts, getting interrupted by his sobs, “don’t go. Please, don’t go.”

 

* * *

 Even if Jim had known what happened then – he still would have begged for Bones to wake up. No matter what, if there was a chance that Bones lives, even if he hates Jim, Jim would still want him to live. Jim would still give his own life to have Bones alive.

* * *

 

“We’re getting him into another operation now,” Christine tells him after Jim had spent the last days in medbay. 

“But he’s not awake yet,” Jim says quietly, eyes lingering on Bones’ face, hoping for the hazel eyes to open and the beautiful lips to meet his own again.  
“He’s stable enough. And we want to give him his prosthesis now.”  
Jim nods, throat dry. “Is – is that dangerous?”  
“Of course there are certain risks, as there always are in operation.”  
“But you’ll try your best,” Jim continues, nodding, “I know.” He bites his lip. “Tell me when you’re done.”  
“Of course.”

Jim buries himself in paperwork in his quarters then. He needs it as distraction and it has to get done anyway.  
He can’t allow himself to think about what could happen. It’s too much.  
He doesn’t want to lose him _again_.  
And still, Jim didn’t have a single chance to really apologise, to tell Bones how damn sorry he is. For being an ass and for getting them in danger there in the first place, for thinking Bones could disarm a bomb though he’s a doctor and for him losing his arm due to the explosion.  
He needs to tell Bones how damn sorry he is. Needs to know it’s not that bad, that he worried too much about it.

 

* * *

 He didn’t really expect Bones’ reaction to be like that. He had thought that Bones would be glad to know that Jim doesn’t blame him. He had thought that Bones would accept his apology, even if he doesn’t forgive him. But he didn’t expect his reaction to be like that. In hindsight though, it’s logical.

* * *

 

Because Bones doesn’t want to see Jim when he wakes up. Christine guides Jim, who sat at Bones’ bed, waiting for him to wake up, out of the room. Jim doesn’t know what’s happening. Why doesn’t Bones want to have his company? 

He bites his lip as he sits down on a chair in front of the room. He doesn’t understand what he did wrong. He just tried to be there for Bones.

Jim buries his face in his hands and closes his eyes. He just – he just wants to help Bones. Wants to tell him he’s sorry.  
But Bones doesn’t want to see him.  
Jim looks up again, peeking through the window into the room.  
Bones is staring at his left arm, tracing it in utter disbelief and shock. Jim watches how he leans back against the pillow and some tears roll down his cheeks and Jims heart just breaks. He wants to hurry in the room and hug him and tell him everything’s going to be okay. He wants to hold him and kiss him and show him he’s there and he won’t leave.  
But he can’t. Bones doesn’t want to see him.

Bones gets dismissed from medbay two days later and he’s in his quarters since then. Jim eventually decided to visit him there and as Bones doesn’t open the door, he just walks in, just to freeze right where he stands.  
“Bones – ” is everything he manages to say and the doctor looks up from the ground that’s barely noticeable due to all the paperwork and clothes and trash on it.  
“What do you want?,” Bones asks, his voice is rough and listless.  
“I…just wanted to look if you’re alright,” Jim mutters uncertain.  
“I’m not, obviously,” Bones grumbles. Jim flinches.  
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly.  
“You’re – oh, how compassionate of you,” Bones snaps, “I’ve lost my arm and told you to leave me the fuck alone and what do you do?” He gets up and grabs the edge of a dresser as support. “You walk into my room and tell me _you’re sorry_? Are you just – are you fucking serious?”  
Jims shoulders slump and he looks at the ground. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know – ”  
“I don’t want to hear you’re sorry, I just want my arm back!,” Bones yells at him and Jim steps back. He swallows hard as he realises that those are the words he said to Bones just a couple of days ago himself.  
He didn’t think they’d hurt so much.  
But of course they did. Jim starts to wonder how much all those other words had hurt Bones too and it makes him feel even worse, even more guilty.  
“Now, please leave me,” Bones growls and Jim does quickly.

It worries him. It hurts. It’s terrible.  
Jim doesn’t want this, he wants to be there for Bones, he doesn’t want their relationship to end just like that. He couldn’t do it without Bones by his side. He couldn’t.

Jim steps into Bones’ room a week later to an even bigger mess.  
“Bones, you look like shit,” he says, words that Bones used to greet him with after a night out at a bar back in the academy days.  
“What part of leave me alone did you miss?,” Bones asks cold and Jim makes sure the door closes behind him as he carefully stalks over the mess to Bones’ bed where the doctor sits surrounded by some bottles of bourbon and a pile of padds.  
“All. I didn’t get the message, Bones. I didn’t want to get it, you know?” Jim shoves the padds aside and sinks down on the bed, taking a sip from one of the bottles.  
“Why am I not even surprised,” Bones mutters dryly and snatches the bottle from Jims hand. He takes a gulp and sighs. “I suppose you’re here to express your sympathy and apologise for being an ass?”  
“Well, yes,” Jim admits and rubs his forehead, “but now that you say it, it sounds very selfish and useless.”  
Bones nods. “It is. You may proceed anyways,” he replies and takes another sip. Jim watches him, feeling himself reminded of the very first time they met in that shuttle.  
“I love you, Bones,” Jim says and he reaches out, resting his hand on Bones’ leg. “I hope you know that.”  
“You didn’t give me that feeling a lot the last days,” Bones answers and puts the bottle away.  
“I know,” Jim sighs, “I know, I’ve been a total asshole and I’ve said things I regret so damn much – I… Bones, can you forgive me?”

Bones looks at him, quiet, for so long, that Jim starts shifting nervously.  
“I’m not sure,” Bones answers honestly, “you haven’t been there the last days. You haven’t been there for me in a time I needed you.”  
Jim frowns. He slowly starts realising that they’re both talking about something different. How he thought he’d been an ass for being so moody and mad at Bones on that planet when in reality it’s about the days since Bones is awake again.  
The days where Jim wanted to be there for Bones but wasn’t allowed to because the other sent him away.  
“You didn’t want to see me!,” he protests.  
“As if you ever cared about what I want, Jim,” Bones replies bitterly. “And just in such situation – a good friend would’ve checked on me anyways.”  
“No, don’t start with that,” Jim interrupts him and gets up, “you don’t know what you’re saying. We’ll talk another day. But remember this then, _you_ didn’t want to see me, so I didn’t bother you. Don’t blame that on me. I understand if you blame the loss of your arm on me, since _that_ has been my fault. But don’t blame that on me too. It wasn’t my fault.”

Jim leaves the room, fighting back the raising pain in his chest. Bones is probably right. He should’ve been more persistent. He should’ve checked on him.  
“Fuck,” Jim hisses and leans against the wall.  
Trying to save his relationship he just destroyed it more.

But maybe there’s another chance. He’d just have to walk back and talk to Bones again.

 

* * *

 If Jim could change how the things went, he would’ve done it.

* * *

 

Now he has the chance to make things right.


End file.
